Apparently i'm obsessive and completely crazy.
I haven’t spoken with Amanda or anyone relating to her for about a month now. I gave Amanda’s father a call to see if he could relay a letter to her for me and got into another lovely debate on this whole subject of her rejecting me out of the blue. Apparently I have the only answer I’m ever going to get from her (“I don’t have time, bye.”), he says to me: “things change, people change”, “You’ll get over it, it just takes time”, “You’re being obsessive and childish”, “What did you expect to be together forever?” (For the record, no I didn’t.)
I’m simply not satisfied with the answer, or lack thereof that i’ve been given. I know it isn’t the truth either. I know theres more that, despite her constant insistance that she’s being honest with me, she’s just refusing to tell me. At one point when she actually DID pick up one of my calls, she let out that there were other problems but she didn’t want to pick it apart, she just wanted a clean break. Am I crazy? Is it really disturbingly wrong of me that I want a resolution? Any resolution. Whether it be up getting back together (impossible at this point) or her actually giving me straight answers to my question of “Why?”
I suppose the only way to recognize that you’re mad is if everyone insists that you are. Perhaps I have lost it completely. Perhaps the answer has been staring me blankly in the face since she uttered the words “…we can’t be together anymore…” Perhaps in my frenzy to understand I’ve knocked the answer under the couch in my panic. Honestly, it’s difficult for me to say with any certainty and I can only know half of the truth without her involvement. I really do want to understand, from the bottom of my heart, I do. But nothing equates, her saying she loves me, me saying I love her, and then her wanting us to be apart no matter the circumstances just doesn’t fit together. Either her love for me was a lie or there is more than she is willing to say. I know it is the latter, but now I know she no longer loves me as well.
I wish I was suicidal so I could just slash my wrists and start over again. It probably wouldn’t be more painful than all the distress I’ve put myself under in the last month or so. BLARGH!
