So ronery...
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhve8_team-america-im-so-ronery_fun
I’m so ronery without being able to speak to Amanda. I hate that she’s brought me to this point. I hate that she won’t even give me the time of day. I don’t deserve any of this, I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to have to go through this any longer. Well, time heals all wounds right? Sure, perhaps in 10 years I simply won’t care. Perhaps i’ll be married? Dead? Who knows? I can’t even see a week ahead of me, let alone years at a time.
I think I can finally see through the eyes of people who live their life being afraid of being alone. It’s just this feeling of being unable to speak with anyone, there’s nobody to listen to me except my blog. My friends are few and far between. With Amanda I felt I had someone to share things with and now she’s just written me out of her life, claiming that she has time for no one but herself. It’s not only selfish, but untrue. I can’t help but believe she’ll collapse under the weight of all of this and want out. Perhaps that isn’t true. She’s in such a great situation compared with most people I know. She’s staying with her wealthy parents, not needing to pay for anything, eating well every night, sleeping in a million dollar house with the only responsibility of getting to work every day. I wish I was so lucky. I always have been jealous of her situation. It was amazing to me when she chose to give up all of that for the year we stayed together, it was amazing to everyone I told it to. Her sad little cry for more leverage by cutting herself off from her parents financially. I know she felt the strain, she still spent as if she actually had money and was constantly under pressure with little in her account, relying on weekly checks from her father for assistance. And now she’s back in a comfortable situation, something I simply can’t provide at this point.
Even if I were able to move out to the middle of LA, rent a condo, and give her a place to stay I don’t know if it would be enough for her. She won’t speak to me about other problems she believes we’ve had, not even a peep. Or perhaps there were no other problems? I may never know.
It makes me feel used. “Thanks for paying half the bills, but I gotta go now, BYEEEEEEEE.” I know she has a huge commitment problem, speaking about marriage, not even in her life brought about nothing but anxiety. Why? Because of stories from her father about how everything changed after marrying her mother. Her father could convince her to drive off a cliff if he wanted to. Anything he says is gospel. So if everything changed after her parents got married, then it must be absolute doom and gloom for every marriage ever. That isn’t to say that I was necessarily expecting marriage from this girl. Especially now after this. How could I marry someone who would just randomly flake out, insist we have no chance and then drop me as if I was a bad habit? But again, there is simply no reason for us parting ways. I will more than likely be moving to Camarillo this winter, negating the distance issue. After that we no other problems. Time? Sure, that can be an issue, but she doesn’t need to hang off my shoulders every 5 minutes as she once did, peppering me with kisses and demanding my attention. That’s what she wants though, and if she can’t have it, she doesn’t want anything. At least according to her. It’s unfair to me that by her decisions and her logic alone, she wants to drop me out of her life. Is it my problem that you need to drive for 4 hours every day to work and back? Or you have to study for 4 hours a night? Or that your parents simply wish I was dead? No, none of these are problems caused by me. They’re all wounds self-inflicted on her. She’s the one in despair, “Whoa is me for I cast myself out of reach.”
I don’t want it to be this way. I don’t want to steal opportunity from her. I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to. But…I simply can’t function anymore. The limerence is absolutely killing me on every level. I can’t do anything but think about the whole situation, about how I wish this was all a cruel joke, about how I wish she would just speak to me and realize what a foolish decision she’s made. It’s literally driving me mad and nearly to the point of suicide. I have terrible pains all over my body when I think of her. My stomach aches, my chest throbs, my legs buckle, i’m absolutely pathetic. I hate it.
I hate myself for being so weak. I hate her for doing this. I hate her mothers half of the family for hating me. I hate her father for being so fatherly and taking her side, despite that I know it’s killing him inside that this exact situation has happened to him in the past and he has found it equally maddening. I hate that she got a job, I hate that she wants this silly career over me, I hate that i’m worth nothing to her, I hate that she didn’t and won’t discuss this with me, I hate that she’s completely ignoring me and trying to contact her only pushes her further from me, I hate that i’ve altered my life to such a point in order to be with her only to have her drop me like a rock, I hate that her having a job at Safeway got me a job there, I hate that I bought a lemon car to see her, I hate that I sold everything for her, I hate that she wanted to keep these stupid boxes full of dishes (of which I knew we absolutely wouldn’t need), I hate that I can’t provide for her and can barely provide for myself, I hate that jumping into traffic seems like a better option than going to school, getting a good job, and living even better without her, I hate that she doesn’t want me, I hate that all I want is her, I hate that I do nothing but check my phone and computer for emails, calls or texts from her that I know won’t arrive, I hate that I won’t be able to take her in my arms and squeeze her as I frequently did, I hate that I won’t be able to see her beautiful sleeping face, drooling on her pillow as I kiss her on the forehead before I leave for work, I hate that she’s had to listen to me cry like a child, I hate that she shows no emotion to me except loathing, I hate that I know she’ll be with another in under 12 months, I hate that I know I won’t find anyone (possibly because i’ll still be obsessed with Amanda), I hate that my life is in disarray, I hate that I have no direction, I hate that there is nothing I can think of to do to bring her back to me, I hate that I have nobody to talk with about this, I hate that she thinks it’s all a silly school-boy crush and that I’ll simply move on as if nothing happened, I hate that she thinks she knows me, I hate that I thought I knew her, I hate that all of this has happened.
If I knew this was the ultimate outcome, I would have continued to live my life as a pathetic, sexless 20-something. Ignorance is bliss and I would have been much happier not knowing such a soul shattering feeling as loss such as this. It’s as if she has died. I can’t see her, I can’t feel her, I can’t speak with her. She is simply gone completely.
I can only hope that the current illness my body is carrying turns out to fatal instead of a common cold. Death would feel so much better than this.
