I'm Sneaking Around

Apparently i'm obsessive and completely crazy.

I haven’t spoken with Amanda or anyone relating to her for about a month now. I gave Amanda’s father a call to see if he could relay a letter to her for me and got into another lovely debate on this whole subject of her rejecting me out of the blue. Apparently I have the only answer I’m ever going to get from her (“I don’t have time, bye.”), he says to me: “things change, people change”, “You’ll get over it, it just takes time”, “You’re being obsessive and childish”, “What did you expect to be together forever?” (For the record, no I didn’t.)

I’m simply not satisfied with the answer, or lack thereof that i’ve been given. I know it isn’t the truth either. I know theres more that, despite her constant insistance that she’s being honest with me, she’s just refusing to tell me. At one point when she actually DID pick up one of my calls, she let out that there were other problems but she didn’t want to pick it apart, she just wanted a clean break. Am I crazy? Is it really disturbingly wrong of me that I want a resolution? Any resolution. Whether it be up getting back together (impossible at this point) or her actually giving me straight answers to my question of “Why?”

I suppose the only way to recognize that you’re mad is if everyone insists that you are. Perhaps I have lost it completely. Perhaps the answer has been staring me blankly in the face since she uttered the words “…we can’t be together anymore…” Perhaps in my frenzy to understand I’ve knocked the answer under the couch in my panic. Honestly, it’s difficult for me to say with any certainty and I can only know half of the truth without her involvement. I really do want to understand, from the bottom of my heart, I do. But nothing equates, her saying she loves me, me saying I love her, and then her wanting us to be apart no matter the circumstances just doesn’t fit together. Either her love for me was a lie or there is more than she is willing to say. I know it is the latter, but now I know she no longer loves me as well.

I wish I was suicidal so I could just slash my wrists and start over again. It probably wouldn’t be more painful than all the distress I’ve put myself under in the last month or so. BLARGH!

So ronery...

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhve8_team-america-im-so-ronery_fun

I’m so ronery without being able to speak to Amanda. I hate that she’s brought me to this point. I hate that she won’t even give me the time of day. I don’t deserve any of this, I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to have to go through this any longer. Well, time heals all wounds right? Sure, perhaps in 10 years I simply won’t care. Perhaps i’ll be married? Dead? Who knows? I can’t even see a week ahead of me, let alone years at a time.

I think I can finally see through the eyes of people who live their life being afraid of being alone. It’s just this feeling of being unable to speak with anyone, there’s nobody to listen to me except my blog. My friends are few and far between. With Amanda I felt I had someone to share things with and now she’s just written me out of her life, claiming that she has time for no one but herself. It’s not only selfish, but untrue. I can’t help but believe she’ll collapse under the weight of all of this and want out. Perhaps that isn’t true. She’s in such a great situation compared with most people I know. She’s staying with her wealthy parents, not needing to pay for anything, eating well every night, sleeping in a million dollar house with the only responsibility of getting to work every day. I wish I was so lucky. I always have been jealous of her situation. It was amazing to me when she chose to give up all of that for the year we stayed together, it was amazing to everyone I told it to. Her sad little cry for more leverage by cutting herself off from her parents financially. I know she felt the strain, she still spent as if she actually had money and was constantly under pressure with little in her account, relying on weekly checks from her father for assistance. And now she’s back in a comfortable situation, something I simply can’t provide at this point.

Even if I were able to move out to the middle of LA, rent a condo, and give her a place to stay I don’t know if it would be enough for her. She won’t speak to me about other problems she believes we’ve had, not even a peep. Or perhaps there were no other problems? I may never know.

It makes me feel used. “Thanks for paying half the bills, but I gotta go now, BYEEEEEEEE.” I know she has a huge commitment problem, speaking about marriage, not even in her life brought about nothing but anxiety. Why? Because of stories from her father about how everything changed after marrying her mother. Her father could convince her to drive off a cliff if he wanted to. Anything he says is gospel. So if everything changed after her parents got married, then it must be absolute doom and gloom for every marriage ever. That isn’t to say that I was necessarily expecting marriage from this girl. Especially now after this. How could I marry someone who would just randomly flake out, insist we have no chance and then drop me as if I was a bad habit? But again, there is simply no reason for us parting ways. I will more than likely be moving to Camarillo this winter, negating the distance issue. After that we no other problems. Time? Sure, that can be an issue, but she doesn’t need to hang off my shoulders every 5 minutes as she once did, peppering me with kisses and demanding my attention. That’s what she wants though, and if she can’t have it, she doesn’t want anything. At least according to her. It’s unfair to me that by her decisions and her logic alone, she wants to drop me out of her life. Is it my problem that you need to drive for 4 hours every day to work and back? Or you have to study for 4 hours a night? Or that your parents simply wish I was dead? No, none of these are problems caused by me. They’re all wounds self-inflicted on her. She’s the one in despair, “Whoa is me for I cast myself out of reach.”

I don’t want it to be this way. I don’t want to steal opportunity from her. I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to. But…I simply can’t function anymore. The limerence is absolutely killing me on every level. I can’t do anything but think about the whole situation, about how I wish this was all a cruel joke, about how I wish she would just speak to me and realize what a foolish decision she’s made. It’s literally driving me mad and nearly to the point of suicide. I have terrible pains all over my body when I think of her. My stomach aches, my chest throbs, my legs buckle, i’m absolutely pathetic. I hate it.

I hate myself for being so weak. I hate her for doing this. I hate her mothers half of the family for hating me. I hate her father for being so fatherly and taking her side, despite that I know it’s killing him inside that this exact situation has happened to him in the past and he has found it equally maddening. I hate that she got a job, I hate that she wants this silly career over me, I hate that i’m worth nothing to her, I hate that she didn’t and won’t discuss this with me, I hate that she’s completely ignoring me and trying to contact her only pushes her further from me, I hate that i’ve altered my life to such a point in order to be with her only to have her drop me like a rock, I hate that her having a job at Safeway got me a job there, I hate that I bought a lemon car to see her, I hate that I sold everything for her, I hate that she wanted to keep these stupid boxes full of dishes (of which I knew we absolutely wouldn’t need), I hate that I can’t provide for her and can barely provide for myself, I hate that jumping into traffic seems like a better option than going to school, getting a good job, and living even better without her, I hate that she doesn’t want me, I hate that all I want is her, I hate that I do nothing but check my phone and computer for emails, calls or texts from her that I know won’t arrive, I hate that I won’t be able to take her in my arms and squeeze her as I frequently did, I hate that I won’t be able to see her beautiful sleeping face, drooling on her pillow as I kiss her on the forehead before I leave for work, I hate that she’s had to listen to me cry like a child, I hate that she shows no emotion to me except loathing, I hate that I know she’ll be with another in under 12 months, I hate that I know I won’t find anyone (possibly because i’ll still be obsessed with Amanda), I hate that my life is in disarray, I hate that I have no direction, I hate that there is nothing I can think of to do to bring her back to me, I hate that I have nobody to talk with about this, I hate that she thinks it’s all a silly school-boy crush and that I’ll simply move on as if nothing happened, I hate that she thinks she knows me, I hate that I thought I knew her, I hate that all of this has happened.

If I knew this was the ultimate outcome, I would have continued to live my life as a pathetic, sexless 20-something. Ignorance is bliss and I would have been much happier not knowing such a soul shattering feeling as loss such as this. It’s as if she has died. I can’t see her, I can’t feel her, I can’t speak with her. She is simply gone completely.

I can only hope that the current illness my body is carrying turns out to fatal instead of a common cold. Death would feel so much better than this.

Duality?

Why the hell is it that people constantly pine after the person that has hurt them emotionally so much? Why do I continually love Amanda and think nothing but fondly of her even after she has put me through everything? Why do I find myself constantly wishing to be back in her good graces? For her to tell me she loves me as she once did? Why do I think she’ll change? And more importantly, even if she were to change, why would I expect everything to be just peachy after she came back around? Love really is bizarre. I’ll always wish for her to love me again, as much as I absolutely love her.

I wish I knew where my life was headed, that I could see anything past the few minutes ahead of me in time. I desperately need some form of reassurance at this point. I never thought a relationship would be particularly important to me so it’s so surprising that I desperately want one now. I may always hope for that woman to be Amanda, but again, I can’t see very far into my future.

In other news, i’m looking forward to moving out of Tucson this year. I still have some months left here, but overall I should be out by December! I’m looking to move out to Camarillo for a lot of reasons. I’ve already got an “in” after talking to management about getting my job transferred out there, it’s more or less a done deal at this point, I just need to sit and wait until everything goes through. I have a few things left to sell and take care of in Tucson in the meantime, plus I need to save money money money, so overall, not a bad thing to have time to kill. Blah! Blah! and BLAH!

Options

I officially have absolutely no idea what the fuck i’m doing with my life. I’ve become so freakishly obsessed with my now ex-girlfriend that it’s driving me FUCKING INSANE. I literally can’t function anymore. I might be able to tear myself away from thinking about her and everything that’s happened for an hour at most but then I start the downward spiral back into thinking about how shitty the whole situation is for hours on end.

I want to just run away from everything, everyone, become homeless, forget about working, forget about even trying to function in a normal human life. It would show her just how fucking crazy she’s driven me, it’d make her feel pain and regret as I have. I just can’t stand that a woman i’ve loved so much could flip a switch one day and decide that I have absolutely no worth to her. Not only doesn’t she want to date me, but she won’t explain why, and now she’s ignoring me at every turn. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate her for it, I just want to fucking end everything. I’d rather have a bullet between the eyes than have to deal with this fucking stupid bullshit. If I had known that i’d be left like this I wouldn’t have even bothered. A year and half of happiness with her isn’t worth the fucking shit i’m going through now. I can’t stand it, my mind is lost, I want to fucking kill myself.

I want to be a better person, I want to have a better life, I want to one-up her and show what her what a fucking mistake leaving me is, but it’s so much easier to just end it all, to run away from everything.

I love you so much Amanda Marie Affrunti and all I have ever asked is that you reciprocate that but apparently it’s just too much to ask. I hate you Amanda Marie Affrunti, you’ve completely sidetracked my life to no ones benefit and for a completely unknown amount of time.

A Sample Timeline

1 Day - Love to Hate

1 Week - Unreasonably ignoring

2 Weeks - Completely ignoring, blocking off various forms of contact

3 Weeks - ???

It’s absolutely amazing how quickly emotions swing. From marriage plans to “i’ll never see you again” in record time.

Relationship: The Reckoning

I was sitting around, depressed about my relationship ending this week. I don’t think i’ll fully not be depressed about it for a while, but i’ve found something that helps me immensely. I was typing up letters that i’d like to send to her when I started reminiscing about our short past together when I had the idea to type up a memoir detailing our relationship from beginning to end. I have completed the first bit of it today and I could do nothing but smile the whole time when reflecting on our first meeting. We have never had trouble as a couple before, so I expect many more days of beautiful reflection. I can’t say when i’ll actually finish it, but I do hope to have it in a readable form that I can post here.

It isn’t simply all the rosey parts, and will be completely, almost embarassingly honest from my perspective. I would be amazingly grateful if I could have her read it over, fill in any gaps and correct any mistaken memories.

One of the most important things i’ve realised during this is the obvious passion she is showing towards getting her career off the ground. I know she loves me, no matter how much it feels like she doesn’t. I know this will be hard for not only myself, but also importantly her as well. I will match her, hour for hour in her quest for a better life. I will make myself a better person and focus on becoming successful. She doesn’t want me to be close to her, so I will follow her footsteps and feel as close as I can. I will never have anything but love for her and I want her to respect and love me for more than just my blind love.

Please consider everything i’ve typed below to be complete nonsense and hyperbole. Relationships come and relationships go. Once one person cuts their ties, you can’t hope to scramble fast enough to refasten them. C’est la vie.

Today...

I’ve decided that I need to visit her. I need to see her glistening eyes and lips, her soft hair and warm body in person. I need to tell her how much I love her, I need her to stare deeply into my eyes, recieving every emotion i’m possible of conveying.

You really are the world to me baby. Without you, I won’t know what to do with myself. Without you, everything i’ve become in the last year dies.

Why is it that everything good i’ve ever had has to end so abruptly and without reason? Why in the world does this seem to happen repeatedly? You’re the only thing I care for, the only thing that keeps me sane.

I love you so much. I can’t wait to come to see you, even if you refuse to see me, I will sit outside your door day and night.

Alright...

Well, i’ve been foolish to say the least. You can’t force reciprocity. She no longer loves me and theres nothing I can do about that. I wish things didn’t have to be this way.